10 hours...45 minutes...

In little under 10 hours, 45 mins, i, along with every other 5th year in scotland, will be sitting the english higher. It requires the ability to think on your feet, and the memory of quotations from various forms of literature. From my texts this morning i have concludded that people in my class will be learning hamlet, at least two poems, and one more short story, usually the black cat. I, however,in two days have learned hamlet and two peoms. have not written any analysis, nor done any practice essays under exam conditiions. Should i have done? Definetley. Did i want to? no.

I need 4 B's from this. At the moment i am siting on 2 A's, 2 dodgy B's, and a fail. So what if tomorrow i mess up? or thereis no suitable hamletor peotry question? Hopefully an appeal may work, and lift me up to a B. but if not? repeat it next year? oh well.

It is true that probably everyone else in the class has done far more work than me (with the excpetion of martin, future suicidal swiming teacher at barrhead sports centre) So what have I done with my year? very little in wrok terms. But light years socially. This time last year, I was a repressed, depressed, guy in a hetero relationship, which my family disaproved of. I hated my freinds, as so i said in that godamn reflective essay (so mofoing emabarising). I knew not of aileen, ally, laura, jill and angie or the rest of the super cool people i love. And now, well, Im OUT! love me peeps, have one of THE most interesting social lifes (dont like to blow my own trumpet, well, later anyway). and am supremely hapy?

No, but im content. Im safe. No one can be supremley happy all the time. but i do not feel depressed, nor trapped, nor ignored, i havnet felt that in a long time.

Ironically, the people who will do the best tomorrow are worrying the most. I know i will only do aswell as i have worked, which even has not been that hard over the past two days i have been off. and any better will be a total fluke.

But why get hot and bothered about the destination, and not enjoy the ride? i must say i have enjoyed the ride, very, very much so. What was i doing only weeks before the exam? Partying, my freind. getting drunk, having fun, having sex, shopping, my favourite things.

And over the past year, there are many, many times where i should have been at home, studying, but i was out, having experiences. and in the end, doesnt experience count more than a piece of paper with a grade?(which i could probably fake anyway)

So i suppose it boils down to wether the journey or the destination matters most. Many people havethis one place fixed in their minds, where they need to get to. Or they have a closer destination, for example a specific grade, where they want to get to, and will take the boring, one way train there.

Wheras i like to think that yes, i have a hazy dream over the horizon, but i dont care how i get there, or if i do. all i want is to enjoy the journey. If it turns out what i have done in the journey has led me somewhere else, i will only have myself to blame, but if i have ended up there, then i must like it, no?

for example, say i fail everything, get nothing out of school. what do i do? get a job and make some new freinds. most of the people i love are staying in glasgow. so it would be great to stay here!

and whats the best? i get all i need.have a blast next year(which i soo will anyway). move to edinburgh and have some even more new experiences.

I guess what Im saying is i dont mind about where i end up, i just dont want to regret how i get there. i want to look back on my life and say, wow, that was fun! wish i could remeber more of it.

so instead of learning another peice of literature, i will laugh me head off with good ol' boris on question time. Bring on tomorrow morning!